Introducing...My Addiction

Friday, June 13, 2008

The Gift Ill never forget

I have been hurting and festering for a long time. I pretty much hate going to church because of a situation that took place a few years ago. I lost faith in people who called themselves Christian. After all how could people who were truly Christian act that way? Phooey on them. I went on with my life secretly hating more with every passing day. I have a hard enough time bringing up a honest forth rite young man. I don't want him to see that example in his life. "yeah" ill try to go to church but it is easier to sleep till noon on Sunday.
I am angry with the world. I felt cheated, gypped, taken, run over, hurt, victimized, and desperate for attention from those i considered important. I have been under the impression that i am nothing more than a convenience when people want something. I recently, have become resentful of everyone. Rebelliousness heart would be my description on my space. For those of you who don't really know me; I play world of warcraft now like its a religion. I'm obsessed. I'm a died in the wool gamer. I eat, sleep, breath, and live it every day. I gave up...on everyone. I realized my goals for life were last in my husband's eyes and no one cared if Sabrina got an education, insurance to keep her diabetes under control and not die, or even wanted me to be a part of their lives. When mom died i felt like i was forgotten in the cracks of life. The one person who loved me enough to hold me up and truly understood me was gone. Abandoned. Lost, Confused, Hurt, Grieving, Confused, like a wounded animal crying out for a mother no longer there, without any hope. Without her noone would have brought me home from the hospital Christmas 1972. Noone would have bothered to tell me stories or protect me. THATS WHAT MOTHERS ARE FOR. Mom Dona and I were our own private club. We knew each other's souls. I got off track.

I miss her voice. I get out her answering machine sometimes and wish that her voice would say I love you girls. I cant quit grieving for her. I cry everyday and i really don't want to go out of my house because im in my box with my memories and the world wont even miss me. I was what i was because of her. everything i did to make her proud. when she got up to sing in church i wanted her to go on forever. Her voice soothed me and put my at ease. I remember looking into her brown eyes, tracing the patterns in her eyes.

I am to the heart broken sobbing stage now. The loss is as raw to me as that day she went home. I am at the bottom of the pain where my heart feels lonely. I need to be in Gods presence. It is hard to find a church though. I cant stand or stomach any more feel good religiosity crap. I need to be in a church where that pastor is gentle and blunt at the same time. Not sure where to go. I am aware of the passing of time and my son growing up... anyhow about the gift.

Last week my husband and i went to a Christian book store and i thought i has a book i was going to buy; somehow i ended up with a 4 disc CD set from Selah. it has been great. It reminds me of how i grew up. In a little house with a mom who could belt out the music with conviction. Im tired of being scared of everything.
I am tired of jumping at every sound on the road. I want to rest. I want to not have a great big raw hole in my heart.

I feel like when we were kids, we were explained to what we were not supposed to do or dress like. I get confused about what im seeking. I don't want my little sister to take care of my emotional problems and grieving. I want her to grieve with me. I feel like she never brings it up and its a closed subject to me. I want to share and hear about our mom from her. Maybe im wrong. Maybe everyone deals in their own way and not everyone can have open wounds. The solid thing i know is that im seeking GOD. I hope to find him soon...im ready. Come on over for supper Jesus, im a great cook. What i do know is that we'd have a great dinner and alot of fun talking. Maybe if that happened i would learn more. Maybe.

posted by Sabrina.Maring @ 7:13 AM 0 comments

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Music and How im Feeling

Something raw and unsettling happened Friday afternoon in my house. I wasn't ready for it to happen and suddenly i realized just how My sister and I are. We were digging through old papers and as she was looking for the Probate papers, i saw something in the box...something i basically hid. Music and things i have written in various times over the last 5 years. She found the cartoons i drew for my son to let him know just HOW MUCH i loved him and how special i thought he was. One birthday a few years ago we were so broke that someone else had to buy his birthday cake. Pretty much all i had to be able to give him was a few hot wheels and that paper with crayon and marker on it. A very humbling experience to be sure. He love it though and i soon put it away so one of these days he'd be able to say Mom thought i hung the moon. Mom really loved me.

I saw the papers in the box that i was for sure i knew i didnt want her to see. Why? I share everything with her. She knows more about me than any person on earth should. Why are those moments in the middle of the night when we cant sleep lent to writing whatever comes our head? Music about mom, dad, how we grew up and thing that should be kept away. This is funny because i almost jumped when i realized she saw them. I guess we all have our own ways of coping with traumatic events. The only way i could was to write it out, then when someone was there to see them i panicked. I grabbed them. Why? Did it matter that the woman i share a mother with and whom has gone through the same thing as i did saw them? Did i care what she thought or was my care for her not getting into my emotional trauma and rawest of thoughts, sort of a stingy thing? Why are we so closed off to other people about the raw "us" when we want to be Public figures? I cant figure it out. The "BIG DREAM" for a long time (my whole life) was to be good enough and not scared enough to sing with someone on a stage. I love to sing. A lot of those papers were music that were for Mom. It is extremely hard to let someone into what you re thinking and feeling though.

What is my favorite song? Hmmm. let me think.....There are two that are in 1st and second place. Your grace still amazes me by Phillips Craig and Dean and It is well With My Soul.
Truthfully," Your grace" lets me know God hasn't given up on my yet. I cant watch the video because to me in that song. There is a black grand piano in a church, a soft light from a window and me alone, singing to God. The most raw and humbling thing i have ever thought of or felt. I cry every time i hear it. I surrender in tears in my heart every time i hear this song.
The first time i heard this song I had stepped into a church camp ground in Marshall. Mom was with me and we stopped to go to the bathroom in the church because that was the only bathroom we knew. There were only low lights on in the Tabernacle and this was playing. There was NO ONE else around and I could feel Gods presense so heavy in there i took off my shoes without even realizing it. By the time Mom came out of the bathroom, my face was soaked covered in tears. She never said a thing or even touched me. I went and found her later on. She had Chris. I sat with my back against the back wall and just looked at the pulpit. There was no theology there, no one telling me what to believe, it was so simply just Gods presence there. That was the only time in my life so far that i have felt my heart on fire and soaked in rain at the same time. I dont think i can explain it any more than that. nothing there but God and me.

My other favorite song...Maybe one of these days ill be able to say "It is well." For now that takes a stronger person than i am to be able to say that. Ill just take each moment as it comes and try not to loose myself in the hectic day to day chores of keeping up with everything.

posted by Sabrina.Maring @ 4:04 AM 0 comments

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

The Babies in my head

I know that is a strange title. That is how i see these particular dreams though. Let me explain what i am talking about. I have dreams about children...alot. Each child has a personality of their own, some beautiful aspect that just makes me love them with my whole heart in my sleep and when i wake up it is as though i did have them in my sleep for a short while. I have figured they may be a sign of trauma or something particular im going through at that moment. They are usually young children and each one is cherished in my heart as i cherish my own child. They are not normal dreams, somehow they stick with me like real memories. Every single one of them is my child....in my head.

The first one i can remember dreaming about was when i was in my very early 20's. Eric and i were living in this grungy little garage apartment in Kilgore, Texas that cost 175 a month. The funny thing was we couldn't make enough money to make the rent. I was in love with the French doors and to this day think about them from time to time. My first dream in the bedroom with French doors was of this little boy. He was this this little red head, with freckles on his face and the biggest blue eye i have ever seen on any human in my life. The freckles were soft and lightly touched across his nose. There he was in my dream, squatted in the dirt playing happily with toys and sounds and just playing...by hisself. As i walked over to inspect his playspace, he stood up with the biggest smile he could have on his muddy little face. His striped shirt was covered in dirt on a sunny day. As i looked into his outstretched little pudgies i saw earthworms. He was giving me earthworms as a present. The outstanding line that we said to me after we released the earthworms back into the wild was when he kissed me on the cheek. "I love you mommy, ill see you soon." A few months later there he was in the flesh, mine to name, little Christopher. Mind you i dreamt him before i knew i was pregnant. He is always my favorite dream to this day.

The second Baby in my head was a dream i had a couple of years ago when we had first moved to Waco. This baby was as real as i am talking to you and she stole my heart in my dream and in reality. Her name was Dallas. I am very confident of that fact because i was calling for her to come inside and change clothes to go to her cousins birthday party. I walked out of the back of whatever house and there was a clothes line with sheet on it and the afternoon sun was starting to fall. When i looked at her i saw a little girl that did not look at all like my husband which was a shock. She had the darkest curly, auburn hair, in pigtails and chocolate brown eyes that i have ever seen in my life. She was wearing a little blue jean sun dress and underneath her flip flops were sweet little painted toes. When i sat down in front of her to gather her into my lap she hugged me. That hug was so real that i can feel her little arms around my neck sometimes still. I told her it was time to go to the party. She giggled and snuggled. Dallas's curly hair smelt like strawberries in the sun. I found myself taking deep breaths in my sleep just to keep smelling it. I woke up that morning concerned. I walked from room to room looking for her can ended up sitting on the end of the bed crying for what i had lost in the waking.
There are others, i am not sure how to deal with them. So i have made up my mind...since i can not have any more children i guess ill have to love the ones that are family to the most i have, spoil them rotten, and laugh with them, and love the babies that are in my head. Maybe one day....another one will become real.

posted by Sabrina.Maring @ 9:26 AM 0 comments

Thursday, February 7, 2008

What is Your Passion?

I have been thinking about this question A LOT lately. What is my passion? What is the center of my world? I could say...my family...my hubby and or son, or i could say pestering my little sister till i think she's sick of me. Phones? PLEASE...I LOVE TO TALK ON THE PHONE.....I cant wait to get mine back, but that is not my passion. Gardening is fun to talk about and look at. I get a sense of pride and a warm feeling to have the house clean and completely organized. Do I have a passion in life? And I realized this morning I do. FOOD!!!! Eating together with family and friends is one of the true pleasures in life! I love to make new friends and invite them to dinner!!! I love to sit around a table with people who are interesting and laugh while dining of something made with love by the hands of people who I treasure. In my opinion these are some of the defining moments in our lives. I am happy to have people who share this passion with me.

posted by Sabrina.Maring @ 5:44 AM 0 comments

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Countdown to Middle Age

I had an interesting conversation with one of my grandmothers this weekend. Evidentially I am middle age.(34). That is half my life expectancy?!!! In the car on the way home from moms house this weekend i started really thinking about the time i have left and what i want from it. I figured out that there are a few things i have been missing and want to say i have done by the end of my very short time on this earth. I want to learn to become a mature Christian. Enough fooling around. I have let so many people get in the way of this goal over the last few years and every time i feel as if im getting to solid ground someone knocks me over. I dont take criticism well and feel that My relationship with God should be private right now. I have realized that God is the love i have been chasing all these years. When i have grown enough in my understanding of God and how and what i believe in ill be able to talk about it. There is my first step. Lets see how that one goes first.

posted by Sabrina.Maring @ 9:28 PM 0 comments

Monday, September 24, 2007

Up to My ears in Paper

I am up to my ears in paper!!! There is paper under my keyboard, on my left, on my right, and piled behind me on another chair. I think its getting a little claustrophobic in here. I need a system. What good is a system if i don't use it though. I think i want to live in a warehouse where i can have as much mess as i want. (i think i am part pack rat...twitches nose)

posted by Sabrina.Maring @ 7:31 PM 2 comments

Tuesday, September 4, 2007

First Post

I'm learning to blog on something besides my space. I'm looking forward to posting better things on this web page. Here's to football and nursing school!!!

posted by Sabrina.Maring @ 1:42 AM 1 comments

Im Coming out of my gamers' closet Wires, keyboard, High Def video card and all...To my family, friends, and those who already suspect im crazy.

About Me

Name: Sabrina.Maring
Home: Hewitt, Texas, United States
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