Introducing...My Addiction

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Music and How im Feeling

Something raw and unsettling happened Friday afternoon in my house. I wasn't ready for it to happen and suddenly i realized just how My sister and I are. We were digging through old papers and as she was looking for the Probate papers, i saw something in the box...something i basically hid. Music and things i have written in various times over the last 5 years. She found the cartoons i drew for my son to let him know just HOW MUCH i loved him and how special i thought he was. One birthday a few years ago we were so broke that someone else had to buy his birthday cake. Pretty much all i had to be able to give him was a few hot wheels and that paper with crayon and marker on it. A very humbling experience to be sure. He love it though and i soon put it away so one of these days he'd be able to say Mom thought i hung the moon. Mom really loved me.

I saw the papers in the box that i was for sure i knew i didnt want her to see. Why? I share everything with her. She knows more about me than any person on earth should. Why are those moments in the middle of the night when we cant sleep lent to writing whatever comes our head? Music about mom, dad, how we grew up and thing that should be kept away. This is funny because i almost jumped when i realized she saw them. I guess we all have our own ways of coping with traumatic events. The only way i could was to write it out, then when someone was there to see them i panicked. I grabbed them. Why? Did it matter that the woman i share a mother with and whom has gone through the same thing as i did saw them? Did i care what she thought or was my care for her not getting into my emotional trauma and rawest of thoughts, sort of a stingy thing? Why are we so closed off to other people about the raw "us" when we want to be Public figures? I cant figure it out. The "BIG DREAM" for a long time (my whole life) was to be good enough and not scared enough to sing with someone on a stage. I love to sing. A lot of those papers were music that were for Mom. It is extremely hard to let someone into what you re thinking and feeling though.

What is my favorite song? Hmmm. let me think.....There are two that are in 1st and second place. Your grace still amazes me by Phillips Craig and Dean and It is well With My Soul.
Truthfully," Your grace" lets me know God hasn't given up on my yet. I cant watch the video because to me in that song. There is a black grand piano in a church, a soft light from a window and me alone, singing to God. The most raw and humbling thing i have ever thought of or felt. I cry every time i hear it. I surrender in tears in my heart every time i hear this song.
The first time i heard this song I had stepped into a church camp ground in Marshall. Mom was with me and we stopped to go to the bathroom in the church because that was the only bathroom we knew. There were only low lights on in the Tabernacle and this was playing. There was NO ONE else around and I could feel Gods presense so heavy in there i took off my shoes without even realizing it. By the time Mom came out of the bathroom, my face was soaked covered in tears. She never said a thing or even touched me. I went and found her later on. She had Chris. I sat with my back against the back wall and just looked at the pulpit. There was no theology there, no one telling me what to believe, it was so simply just Gods presence there. That was the only time in my life so far that i have felt my heart on fire and soaked in rain at the same time. I dont think i can explain it any more than that. nothing there but God and me.

My other favorite song...Maybe one of these days ill be able to say "It is well." For now that takes a stronger person than i am to be able to say that. Ill just take each moment as it comes and try not to loose myself in the hectic day to day chores of keeping up with everything.

posted by Sabrina.Maring @ 4:04 AM

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