Introducing...My Addiction

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

The Babies in my head

I know that is a strange title. That is how i see these particular dreams though. Let me explain what i am talking about. I have dreams about children...alot. Each child has a personality of their own, some beautiful aspect that just makes me love them with my whole heart in my sleep and when i wake up it is as though i did have them in my sleep for a short while. I have figured they may be a sign of trauma or something particular im going through at that moment. They are usually young children and each one is cherished in my heart as i cherish my own child. They are not normal dreams, somehow they stick with me like real memories. Every single one of them is my child....in my head.

The first one i can remember dreaming about was when i was in my very early 20's. Eric and i were living in this grungy little garage apartment in Kilgore, Texas that cost 175 a month. The funny thing was we couldn't make enough money to make the rent. I was in love with the French doors and to this day think about them from time to time. My first dream in the bedroom with French doors was of this little boy. He was this this little red head, with freckles on his face and the biggest blue eye i have ever seen on any human in my life. The freckles were soft and lightly touched across his nose. There he was in my dream, squatted in the dirt playing happily with toys and sounds and just playing...by hisself. As i walked over to inspect his playspace, he stood up with the biggest smile he could have on his muddy little face. His striped shirt was covered in dirt on a sunny day. As i looked into his outstretched little pudgies i saw earthworms. He was giving me earthworms as a present. The outstanding line that we said to me after we released the earthworms back into the wild was when he kissed me on the cheek. "I love you mommy, ill see you soon." A few months later there he was in the flesh, mine to name, little Christopher. Mind you i dreamt him before i knew i was pregnant. He is always my favorite dream to this day.

The second Baby in my head was a dream i had a couple of years ago when we had first moved to Waco. This baby was as real as i am talking to you and she stole my heart in my dream and in reality. Her name was Dallas. I am very confident of that fact because i was calling for her to come inside and change clothes to go to her cousins birthday party. I walked out of the back of whatever house and there was a clothes line with sheet on it and the afternoon sun was starting to fall. When i looked at her i saw a little girl that did not look at all like my husband which was a shock. She had the darkest curly, auburn hair, in pigtails and chocolate brown eyes that i have ever seen in my life. She was wearing a little blue jean sun dress and underneath her flip flops were sweet little painted toes. When i sat down in front of her to gather her into my lap she hugged me. That hug was so real that i can feel her little arms around my neck sometimes still. I told her it was time to go to the party. She giggled and snuggled. Dallas's curly hair smelt like strawberries in the sun. I found myself taking deep breaths in my sleep just to keep smelling it. I woke up that morning concerned. I walked from room to room looking for her can ended up sitting on the end of the bed crying for what i had lost in the waking.
There are others, i am not sure how to deal with them. So i have made up my mind...since i can not have any more children i guess ill have to love the ones that are family to the most i have, spoil them rotten, and laugh with them, and love the babies that are in my head. Maybe one day....another one will become real.

posted by Sabrina.Maring @ 9:26 AM

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