Introducing...My Addiction

Friday, June 13, 2008

The Gift Ill never forget

I have been hurting and festering for a long time. I pretty much hate going to church because of a situation that took place a few years ago. I lost faith in people who called themselves Christian. After all how could people who were truly Christian act that way? Phooey on them. I went on with my life secretly hating more with every passing day. I have a hard enough time bringing up a honest forth rite young man. I don't want him to see that example in his life. "yeah" ill try to go to church but it is easier to sleep till noon on Sunday.
I am angry with the world. I felt cheated, gypped, taken, run over, hurt, victimized, and desperate for attention from those i considered important. I have been under the impression that i am nothing more than a convenience when people want something. I recently, have become resentful of everyone. Rebelliousness heart would be my description on my space. For those of you who don't really know me; I play world of warcraft now like its a religion. I'm obsessed. I'm a died in the wool gamer. I eat, sleep, breath, and live it every day. I gave up...on everyone. I realized my goals for life were last in my husband's eyes and no one cared if Sabrina got an education, insurance to keep her diabetes under control and not die, or even wanted me to be a part of their lives. When mom died i felt like i was forgotten in the cracks of life. The one person who loved me enough to hold me up and truly understood me was gone. Abandoned. Lost, Confused, Hurt, Grieving, Confused, like a wounded animal crying out for a mother no longer there, without any hope. Without her noone would have brought me home from the hospital Christmas 1972. Noone would have bothered to tell me stories or protect me. THATS WHAT MOTHERS ARE FOR. Mom Dona and I were our own private club. We knew each other's souls. I got off track.

I miss her voice. I get out her answering machine sometimes and wish that her voice would say I love you girls. I cant quit grieving for her. I cry everyday and i really don't want to go out of my house because im in my box with my memories and the world wont even miss me. I was what i was because of her. everything i did to make her proud. when she got up to sing in church i wanted her to go on forever. Her voice soothed me and put my at ease. I remember looking into her brown eyes, tracing the patterns in her eyes.

I am to the heart broken sobbing stage now. The loss is as raw to me as that day she went home. I am at the bottom of the pain where my heart feels lonely. I need to be in Gods presence. It is hard to find a church though. I cant stand or stomach any more feel good religiosity crap. I need to be in a church where that pastor is gentle and blunt at the same time. Not sure where to go. I am aware of the passing of time and my son growing up... anyhow about the gift.

Last week my husband and i went to a Christian book store and i thought i has a book i was going to buy; somehow i ended up with a 4 disc CD set from Selah. it has been great. It reminds me of how i grew up. In a little house with a mom who could belt out the music with conviction. Im tired of being scared of everything.
I am tired of jumping at every sound on the road. I want to rest. I want to not have a great big raw hole in my heart.

I feel like when we were kids, we were explained to what we were not supposed to do or dress like. I get confused about what im seeking. I don't want my little sister to take care of my emotional problems and grieving. I want her to grieve with me. I feel like she never brings it up and its a closed subject to me. I want to share and hear about our mom from her. Maybe im wrong. Maybe everyone deals in their own way and not everyone can have open wounds. The solid thing i know is that im seeking GOD. I hope to find him soon...im ready. Come on over for supper Jesus, im a great cook. What i do know is that we'd have a great dinner and alot of fun talking. Maybe if that happened i would learn more. Maybe.

posted by Sabrina.Maring @ 7:13 AM 0 comments

Im Coming out of my gamers' closet Wires, keyboard, High Def video card and all...To my family, friends, and those who already suspect im crazy.

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Name: Sabrina.Maring
Home: Hewitt, Texas, United States
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